Written By Conrad Iwanick (Creator of Godhand)
All my dreams died on Halloween in 2014 when I got that call letting me know my mother had killed herself. Rather than using my off hours to create my own business I was using that time to drink myself into a stupor, play PS4, and emotionally neglect my girlfriend. Eventually she would leave me because she couldn’t handle my depression. I don’t blame her now, but at the time she became satan to me. Adding even more hatred to the rage I was already feeling.
Mom had PTSD amongst other things… she had accused me of trying to murder her when I was 16. I was even interrogated by the police in front of my high school principal. Until the day she died she would forgive me for trying to kill her almost daily. She really believed that I had tried to off her. So, when she killed herself the reality of all these unresolved issues hit me like a fucking Mack truck.
My mom loved me, she had a huge heart, and taught me so much. Why did she have to get this disease? Why couldn’t she overcome it? Why in the fuck didn’t a single one of her doctors ever talk to me? How could she fool the VA hospital every time she was committed and get out in a matter of days? It would be obvious to me the second I’d pick her up that she wasn’t “right” just by looking into her eyes. Why in the fuck were these “professionals” so fucking clueless? And again, why didn’t they ever talk to me? Why couldn’t I do more to help her? Why did she leave like this?
All these questions circulated in my head at a frenetic pace as my alcohol consumption increased. There wasn’t a day I didn’t drink for almost a year. I drank close to 5 gallons of vodka a week. My drink of choice? A beer mug filled with 3 parts vodka 1 part water and a splash of lemon. I named it “The Desperate Alcoholic”. My life was spiraling out of control.
I would do enough to keep my job but I was disengaged. Once it hit 6 pm, I was drinking. I would keep drinking until 1 AM, wake up at 8 AM and do it all again. I lived off of takeout and vodka. I put on close to 150 pounds in about 8 months. I knew something had to change…
So I found the cheapest international flight I could find and left for Ecuador…
Part 3 coming tomorrow!